


Mean Gods

by yavin



Category: Mean Girls (2004), The Wicked + The Divine
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Crack, Everyone Is Alive, Gen, How Do I Tag, References to Drugs, References to Smoking, ananke as cool mom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2015-08-13
Packaged: 2018-04-12 19:41:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4492227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yavin/pseuds/yavin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Mean Girls AU for WicDiv. Laura is the new student at school, and she quickly befriends Amaterasu and Luci. There's only one problem to overcome: the Pantheon clique, consisting of Sakhmet, Woden, and... Baal. Additionally, his mysterious (ex?) boyfriend might stir a little in Laura's life...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The canon brings us a lot of angst, so Wicdiv fandom deserves something light-hearted and cracky. Nobody's gonna die.  
> I'm not a native speaker, and this fic is un-beta'd, so if you notice a mistake, point it out in the comment section! Broadly speaking, (eventual) feedback will be appreciated!

Most kids have their first day of school when they’re five. But not Laura Wilson - hers was when she was sixteen. Laura had been homeschooled her entire life, and, frankly, it was a pleasant experience. Her parents were research zoologists working in Africa, but when they got a tenure at an American university, the family decided to move. This meant Laura would go to a local public school.

“This is your lunch, OK? Now, I put a dollar in there so you can buy some milk. You can ask one of the big kids where to do that. You remember your phone number? I wrote it down for you, just in case. Put it in your pocket, I don't want you to lose it.” Laura’s mother said tenderly.

“OK.  Bye!” Laura replied quickly. She rushed to school, and nearly got herself hit by a yellow school bus. “I’m okay. Sorry. I'll be careful” she said, just to reassure her parents. They drove away in their Jeep, unaware of what their daughter was to experience in the high school jungle.

After getting to the classroom, Laura saw a tall woman, to whom she tried introducing herself.

“Hi. I don't know if anyone told you about me. I'm a new student here. My name is Laura Wilson”.

The woman, however, turned out to be a girl. A rude girl – “talk to me again and I'll kick your ass.” – was the reply.

Perplexed, Laura decided to search for a place. Just then  she saw an empty desk.

“You don't wanna sit there. The Morrigan's boyfriend is gonna sit there”, a blonde (with a black hair streak) girl in a white suit hinted. She was right. Laura could only observe in horror the said couple, who were now violently making-out. The next attempt was a fail, too.

“He farts a lot” the girl smirked, confidently pointing at a boy sitting in front of the empty desk. At this point Laura was restless and disillusioned – she was sure that her first day of school wouldn’t get better. And, in fact, it was a blur. A stressful, surreal blur.

First, Laura bumped into her teacher, spitting her coffee and donuts all over. Then, she repeatedly got into trouble for the most random things. “Don't read ahead!”, “No green pen!”, “No food in class!” and so on. Finally, Laura ate her lunch in the toilet, instead of choosing overcrowded cafeteria. When she came back home, she couldn’t even stand parents’ question about her first day – staying silent, she decided not to answer.

Luckily, the next day was entirely different. When Laura took her seat, she attracted the attention of her classmate – a hippie-looking redhead in long, white dress. The girl grabbed Laura’s hair and said in a dreamy, mellow voice: “I love your hairdo. It’s gorgeous”.

“Thanks”- Laura almost replied, before getting interrupted by the blonde stranger from previous day.

“This is Amaterasu, and she’s almost too straight to function. And I’m Luci” she introduced both of them casually.

“Hi. I’m Laura. Do you know where Room G is?”.

“Health, Tuesday/Thursday, Room G… I think that's in the back building.” Luci said in calm voice, but with a wicked smirk. Amaterasu took a second to think about this reply, but then added “Yeah, that's in the back building, we'll take you there.”

“Thanks.” Laura was filled with joy – she finally got her chance to make the friends that she was desperately in need of, and these girls seemed nice and helpful.

Amaterasu and Luci led Laura through the corridor (“Watch out, please! New meat coming through!”), the playing field… and they decided to sit under a shady tree. Confused, Laura asked about the back building, but all that she got was “It burned down in 1987”. Now, she was rather suspicious about the two’s intentions.

“Won't we get in some sort of trouble for this?”

“Why would we get you into trouble? We're your friends” Luci smirked. Laura had a feel of guilt for a moment, but it left her quickly, as she was wondering what she had missed.

“Why didn't they just keep home-schooling you?” Amaterasu was now asking Laura.

“They wanted me to get socialized”.

“Oh, you'll get socialized, all right. A little slice like you.”

Luci suddenly popped into the conversation, and Laura wasn’t exactly sure what that could mean.

“I’d appreciate it if you could at least be creepy in a way I could understand”, she said. “You're a regulation hottie. I’d even say intangible cunnilingus-worthy.”

Luci smirked… again. It seemed to be her trademark facial expression. And Laura wasn’t content with where the chat was going. Luckily, Luci switched the topic.

“In the name of all that is holy, will you look at Sakhmet’s clothes?” she said with a tone of disgust, while pointing at a blonde girl in ridiculously skimpy black outfit. The girl was surrounded by other teenagers, Laura even noticed someone with a laser pointer.

“Obviously all of The Pantheon stick together” Amaterasu sighed.

“What is The Pantheon?” Laura asked.

“They’re teen royalty. If Brockley was US Weekly, they’d always be in the cover” Lucifer started her explanation. “That one there, that's Sakhmet. She is one of the dumbest girls you will ever meet.”

The exact moment Luci said it, Sakhmet jumped onto someone, screaming “THE RED DOT!”.

“Amaterasu sat next to her in English last year.”

“She asked me how to spell orange” the girl winced with revulsion.

The crash with Sakhmet now rolled over a guy with Daft-Punkish helmet.

“And that little one? That's Woden. He’s totally rich because his father was an inventor or something. Woden knows everybody's business. He knows everything about everyone.” Luci said, while Amaterasu added “That's why his helmet is so big. It's full of secrets.”.

“He is also a gross racist with an unhealthy obsession about Asian girls” Luci whispered.

“And evil takes a human form in Baal.” Lucifer pointed at the guy, around whom all the buzz was centered right now.

“Don't be fooled, because he may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing, slut-faced ho-bag. But in reality, he is so much more than that. He's the queen bee. The star. Those other two are just his little workers.” Luci made a pause.

„Baal Hadad. How do I even begin to explain Baal Hadad?” she wondered.

„Baal Hadad is flawless.”

„He has a green Lamborghini.”

“I hear his hair's insured for $5000.”

“I hear he does car commercials.

In Japan.”

“His favorite movie is _Varsity blues”_.

“One time, he met fucking Tara on a plane.

And she told him he was pretty.”

“One time, he punched me in the face.

It was awesome.”

“He always looks fierce. He always wins Spring Fling King.” Amaterasu said. Laura furrowed her brow, and Luci rolled her eyes - “Who cares?”

“I care.” – Amaterasu replied immediately. “Every year, the seniors throw this dance for the underclassmen called The Spring Fling. And whoever is elected Spring Fling King or Queen automatically becomes head of the Student Activities Committee. And since I am an active member of the Student Activities Committee, I would say, yeah, I care.”

In response Luci stifled a yawn, but then handed Laura a handwritten sheet of paper with an immediate explanation: “Here. This map is gonna be your guide to Brockley. Now, where you sit in the cafeteria is crucial…”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Pantheon finally is given time to shine! Also, thanks to my beta (tumblr user inannadonforever), Kieron Gillen himself (for mentioning my work on his Twitter), and everyone else who took their time to read/bookmark/comment/add kudos etc.

The cafeteria was overflowing with students. One of them approached Laura and asked her: “Hey. We're doing a lunchtime survey of new students. Can you answer a few questions?” Laura said “Okay”, hesitatingly.   
“Is your muffin buttered?”   
“What?” – Laura was now bewildered.   
“Would you like us to assign someone to butter your muffin?” – the girl importuned.   
The moment Laura said “My what?”, someone entered the conversation. And “someone” meant none other than Baal Hadad.   
“Is she bothering you? Brunhilde, why are you such a skeez?” he asked. The Valkyrie tried to defend herself, smiling awkwardly.   
“I'm just being friendly.”   
Baal, however, continued. “Brunhilde. You do not come to a party at my house with Woden and then scam on some poor, innocent girl right in front of us three days later. She's not interested.   
Do you wanna have sex with her?” He asked Laura directly.   
“No, thank you.” she answered with a sigh of relief.   
“Good. So it's settled. So you can go shave your back now. Bye, Brunhilde.”   
The Valkyrie walked away, muttering angrily something that sounded like “Prometheus”. 

“Can I eat her?” Sakhmet said airily, grinning.   
“Oh my God, Sakhmet, you can’t just eat people.” Woden sighed. His head tilt could indicate eye-rolling, but the facial expression was hidden behind his helmet. Meanwhile, Baal drew attention to Laura.   
“Wait. Sit down. Seriously, sit down. Why don't I know you?” he inquired, while Laura established eye-contact with her friends. They tried to nonverbally encourage her.   
“I'm new. I just moved here from Africa.”   
“What?”   
“I used to be home-schooled.”   
“Wait. What?”   
“My mom taught me at home...” Laura tried to explain her situation.   
“No, no. I know what home-school is. So you've actually never been to a real school before? Shut up. Shut UP.”   
“I didn't say anything.”   
“Home-schooled. That's really interesting…” Baal wondered for a while.   
“Thanks.” Laura replied.   
“But you're, like, really pretty?” he asked her. Laura thanked instinctively.  
"So you agree? You think you're really pretty?"   
"I don't know" Laura replied, perplexed. Luckily for her, Baal changed the topic.   
“Oh, my God, I love your dip dye. How did you do it?”   
“Oh, my mom did it for me.” Laura loosened up a bit.   
“It's adorable” Baal said, while Woden interrupted, “Oh, it's so fetch.”   
“What is "fetch"?” Baal asked with an expression of disgust.   
Woden, embarrassed, started to explain himself: “Oh, it's, like, slang. From Valhalla.”   
“Could you give us some privacy for, like, one second?”   
“Yeah, sure.” Laura hesitated.   
The Pantheon exchanged muttered comments, while Luci and Amaterasu again attempted to contact Laura. She, however, couldn’t exactly decipher their (or Pantheon’s) intentions.   
She asked “What are you doing?” when Baal’s clique stopped talking. After a moment of silence, he said, “OK, you should just know that we don't do this a lot, so this is, like, a really huge deal.”   
Woden added “We wanna invite you to have lunch with us every day for the rest of the week.”   
“Oh, okay...” Laura was thrilled, but she tried to limit happiness in her statement.   
“Coolness. So we'll see you tomorrow.” Baal smiled.   
“On Woden’s days, we wear punk!” Sakhmet almost screamed airily in her high-pitched voice.

The next lunch break, Laura, Luci and Amaterasu decided to go to an almost empty girls’ toilet. Laura recounted her encounter with Pantheon. As she elaborated, Luci’s eyes went wider.   
“Oh, my God! OK, you have to do it, OK? And then you have to tell me all the horrible things that Baal says.”   
“Baal seems nice.” Laura said, trying to maintain eye contact with Luci, who now seemed angrier.   
“Baal Hadad is not nice. He's a scum-sucking road whore! He ruined my life!” she screamed.   
“He's fabulous, but he's evil”, Amaterasu added peacefully.   
“Why do you hate him?” Laura’s eyes narrowed, and her eyebrow creased.   
“What do you mean?” Luci asked.   
“Baal... You seem to really hate him.”   
“Yes. What's your question?”   
“Well, my question is, why?” Laura inquired. Amaterasu was ready to explain: “Baal ruined Luci’s life, because…”   
“Only because I spent some quality time with his mysterious boyfriend.” Luci admitted. Her rage somehow disappeared, but she continued.   
“Now, look. This isn't about hating him, OK? I just think that it would be, like, a fun little experiment if you were to hang out with them and then tell us everything that they say.”   
“What do we even talk about?” Laura asked.   
“Hair products.”   
“Fucking Tara”.   
“Is that an actor?” the girl still was confused.   
“Would you just do it? Please?” Luci pleaded.   
“OK, fine.” Laura agreed.   
“So, do you have a cigarette? Or cocaine? Ideally some cocaine?” Luci asked. It turned out that in fact, no one had the desired supplies.   
“What kind of teenager doesn’t even have cigarettes?” she seemed perplexed, full of disbelief. 

At this exact moment the bell rang, so Laura rushed to math class. She liked and understood math, and she was sure that nothing could mess her up. Until someone sitting in front of her turned back to ask, “Hey, do you have a pencil I can borrow?” in a smooth, velvety voice. This was an innocent question, but the tone made Laura think about something definitely inappropriate for a math class. She felt like she was hit by a big, yellow school bus. And she stayed distracted till the end of the lessons. When Laura came back home, her parents asked “Hey. How was your second day?”   
“Fine.” she said without enthusiasm.   
“Were people nice?”   
“No.”   
“Did you make any friends?”   
“Yeah.”

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is it. I don't know, when the next chapter will be ready (I hope as soon as possible).


End file.
